Snowed in with the white stuff and snowed under with the blues (groan). Passionate e-speeches all over the show today. Forums, fandoms, e-mails to friends and whatever else has popped up on my screen. Talking, talking, talking. Nothing too taxing, nothing much to think about... just drifting along and providing ridiculous ramblings about things that seem to really matter to me in the moment... but five seconds later I'm onto something else. Distractedly clicking between the same four websites. On Saturday night I found myself listening to music, checking out a YouTube video, reading Doctor Faustus and trying on my new boots all at the same time. Nothing's holding my attention. Too long being cooped up indoors, I think. I was in here from Friday lunchtime till Monday morning. Hibernating. Thinking too much. Wandering thoughts of fail; dark thoughts that keep me awake. I haven't had more than about five hours' sleep each night. It's a pain in the arse - I can feel myself getting more anxious, physically, and... oh, I dunno, just too thinky.

I'm leaving the cleaning job at the school at the end of the week (woohoo!) I've missed two nights this week because of the white stuff. I'm going to be finding myself very short of cash quite soon. I need to get out there and start advertising, but I can't find any motivation. Brain is hyper, body is hypo. I can feel it all coming back and I need to knock it on the head right now.

If you delete a journal entry, you get to see this -



Trufaxbtru.

I do love this launderette. It's true.

Still ill :(

I ended up in a part of town I've not been to before today.

Regretsy - Handmade? It looks like you made it with your feet

I love this blog.

Stop looking at me, I don't like it.

Radiohead, lol.

I'm unwell today so have retired to bed. I've been listening to Pulp a lot lately, hence the title.

Haha, how relevant a title in light of my previous ramblings.

Small 'making of' video clip.

My favourite scene from the RSC's 2008 production of Hamlet - I was enthralled. This production is the best I've seen. I love Shakespeare set in modern times/dress. The appearance of this performance (new 'n' shiny) and the way the actors have portrayed the characters and their actions is amazing. There are many examples of specific moments I loved - here's one: I noticed that it seemed that Gertrude knew the cup was poisoned (OMG SPOILERS!) before she drank. Interesting. I'd never thought of it that way before. Penny Downie is fantastic - such a strong performance of a character I always thought of as ridiculously weak. Patrick Stewart is awesome at being evil. And of course, I adore the way DT plays up Hamlet's sense of humour. And, guh, he's so intense. Wow. I won't go on. I know there are different versions and old quartos and so on, but were some things cut out? I think? It's been years since I read the text of course. Not complaining though - I wish I'd got off my arse sooner and managed to get tickets to see it in the theatre. I might go and see Jip.

It's one of those plays I've always wanted to see on stage, as the story (well, the soliloquy) fascinated me so much when I studied it briefly for an abstract play we did in AS level drama that I ended up reading it all at home. I felt I had to really, as a lover of literature - it being Shakespeare's most famous play and all. I find some of his stuff a bit of a chore to read to be honest (especially some of the comedies - ladies dressed as men? Disgusting) but some of them really get inside you and just... flow. I love Hamlet for this reason - you can read so much into every line, it's so beautifully written, plenty of humour, melancholy, madness and loooads of death - what else do you need, innit.

Hamlet himself is another one of those characters I really identify with, in so many ways. The chief reason being that he is just so fucking emo. The cat will mew and the black dog will have his day. Aaahaha.

"Everything in our age conspires to turn the writer, and every other kind of artist as well, into a minor official, working on themes handed to him from above and never telling what seems to him the whole of the truth. But in struggling against his fate he gets no help from his own side: that is, there is no large body of opinion which will assure him that he is in the right. In the past, at any rate throughout the Protestant centuries, the idea of rebellion and the idea of intellectual integrity were mixed up. A heretic - political, moral, religious, or aesthetic - was one who refused to outrage his own conscience. His outlook was summed up in the words of of the Revivalist hymn:

Dare to be a Daniel,
Dare to stand alone;
Dare to have a purpose firm,
Dare to make it known.
To bring this hymn up to date one would have to add a 'Don't' at the beginning of each line..."

Of course, my brain automatically replaced 'a Daniel' with 'the Doctor'. Don't judge me.

I had a big entry planned about the Doctor but I ended up expending my geeky energy in the thread, and the brilliantly named new thread. Ohhh, Doctor. You broke my hearts. You were fantastic. Molto bene. I'm going to miss you so much. Oh shut iiit, he's not just a telly character. He has pretty much got me through these past five years. He inspired me to soldier on through so much brainfail and sadness. He made me laugh, he made me cry, and all those other lovely clichés. It wasn't just about aliens and spaceships and fings - he taught me that no matter how much things hurt, no matter how often I feel useless and insignificant and trapped and bored and limited... life is always worth so much.

I don't want you to go. :(

I have nothing else to say right now. Well, I probably do. My brain is going CRAZY and I want to say loads of things. Everything. But I'm just writing about thinking about things instead of writing what I'm thinking about. And playing some Roxy Music. I don't know. What? How is it nearly 1am already? Time is going far too quickly right now. It's unnerving. All this stuff going on to be talking about, but guess what? I'm bored. Alas. How about you ask me some silly things?

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Er travelled round europe a bit. Bought a scooter. Got a srs job [wtf].

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
stepbrother's girlfriend. in may i think?

3. Did anyone close to you die?
nope, thank fuck.

4. Did you keep all of last years resolutions, and have you any resolutions for next year ?
I only had one, which was to stop giving everything to people who just take and don't care for you. which i think i succeeded at, but I also have had no love interests as I guess I was burnt pretty bad.


5. What countries did you visit?
England, France, Switzerland, Italy, Germany, Austria, Holland, Belgium, Australia

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn't have in 2009?

my own place to live i guess.

7. What date in 2009 will remain etched in your memory?
May 2nd, my best friend got married.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting my motorcycle licence probably. or landing a job in such a competitive time.

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting someone hurt me time and time again. embarrassing to think about.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
wisdom teef beef

11. What was the best thing you bought?
possibly my blazer with its massive shoulder pads. or my lil scootscoot. I adore it!


or a case of 5 seeds cider?

12. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Ah everyone who knows me could guess the answer to that. Though I did my best to form a truce a few weeks ago, cause I can't stand being on permanent bad terms.. what's done is done and I don't see how I could ever like him as a person again.

13. Where did most of your money go?
living abroad. europe. scoot. tickets for New York for this March

14. What did you get really really really excited about?
Everything. except new years eve.

15. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
grizzly bear's veckitamest. mstrkrft's fist of god. art vs science's parlez vous francaise?

16. Compared to this time last year are you:

A. Fatter or thinner? Probs a bit fatter, I dropped a stack when I was miserable and now i'm a lazy bank teller. lardarse.
B. Happier or sadder? Def happier.
C. Richer or poorer? Richer. These are easy questions.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Photography. I've done fuck all in months.

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Waking up feeling like death after massive nights. crying [in the first half]

19. How did you spend Christmas?
big family lunch.

20. Which LJ users did you meet for the first time?
none =[

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
nup. I did however form a good friendship with someone who started off as a drunken shag in england. i sent him a text this morning saying 'Argh argh hangover. I want a hot chip sandwich pronto. And maybe a poop.'

talking about poop is a sign of true friendship imo.

22. How many one night stands?
hard to define. none as in sleep with stranger & never speak to again. slept with 2 people.


23 What was your favourite TV show?
Dead set. Weeds. True Blood. megavideo got a srs workout this year.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I'm starting to really dislike my manager.

25. What was/were the best books you read?
Extremely loud & incredibly close by jonathan safran-foer. so much love.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
florence and the machine is getting a lot of airplay right now. grizzly bear were def top album of the year but i've loved them for years anyway.

27. What did you want and get?
great nights out with friends. steady job. nice perfumes for christmas & a sewing machine which hasnt actually arrived yet.

28. What did you want and not get?
ah I'd really like to meet someone and have sparky chemistry with him. Which kinda happened with one guy but he's never around so who knows if we'll even meet up again.

29. What was your favourite film this year?
Inglourious Basterds.


30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I had a big party to celebrate my 22nd, as the 21st was a bit of a nonevent. About 10-12 of us I think had dinner in a fab restaurant, cocktails on the balcony of a hotel i used to work in, danced in a club like idiots, sat in a roundabout drinking straight vodka and my gay friend & i tried to pick up a cute guy who helped us drunkenly find our room. nice.


31. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
not living in a town called wang.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
girly tomboy hobo until i moved back to aus and could afford new clothes. had to layer pairs of tights in the uk as none were hole-free.

33. What kept you sane?
working. seeing friends.

34. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I can never remember who i fancy.

35. Which political issue stirred you the most?
i couldnt say anything really moved me tbh.

36. Who did you miss?
The australian girls who helped me get back on my feet in england. I havent been able to see any of them again yet.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
a couple of the girls I work with are just hilarious and really lovely.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
errr nein.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
HAH the first song that sprung to mind is 'all i do is party, ah ah ah ah'
so lame.


40. Did you enjoy this year?
i think so.

1. Drinking and family.
2. Drinking and friends.
3. A houseparty somewhere on the Avenue, or something?
4. Home, a tin of Quality Street and the internet.

I chose to PARTY ON THE INTERNET! Brilliant. I thought it wise, as I know going out right now would end in tears. Woe, and all. Damned black dog. I don't feel particularly miserable, but I do feel extremely lethargic, anxiety is back, motivation is low, imagination is crazy-active but I can't think of anything to do with it, which if course = frustration which = a massive pain in the...

HAPPY NEW YEAR! WOOHOO, FIREWORKS AT MY BEDROOM WINDOW!

I am not miserable, not at all. I am smiling, and rocking TFO. As I said in my year summaries/memes - this year has been fantastic. I love you.

2009
112. 14/01. Slow Smile, Lo-Fi Poet - Lennon's Southampton
113. 04/02. Jenna's Revenge, Adam Bomb - Lennon's Southampton
114. 20/02. Moral Low Ground, The Absolute Belters, Long Shore Drift, Lo-Fi Poet Band - Dorchester Arms, Southampton
115. 13/03. Jazica, The Ramblings, Dustproof, Toupé - Soul Cellar, Southampton
116. 20/03. Sparks (Kimono My House) - Forum, London
117. 21/03. Sparks (No. 1 In Heaven) - Forum, London
118. 28/03. Hot Melts, Eagles of Death Metal - Portsmouth Pyramids
119. 13/04. Jesserit, Moral Low Ground, Supersuckers - Brook
120. 01/05. Kings of Hearts, Melodee Rockmore, Long Shore Drift, Moral Low Ground - The King Alfred
121. 14/05. Atalanta, Enochian Theory, To The Bones, The Butterfly Effect - Hamptons
122. 24/05. Body by Design (us!), Gambling Hearts, Nicky's House - The Boathouse, Salisbury
123. 30/05. The Answering Machine, Manic Street Preachers - Roundhouse, Camden
124. 16/07. Mew, Jane's Addiction, Nine Inch Nails - O2 Arena, London
125. 05/09. The Sea, Hey Molly, Muse - The Den, Teignmouth
126. 13/09. Amanda Palmer (and Polly Scattergood) - Union Chapel, London
127. 21/09. Black Spiders, The Wildhearts - The Wedge, Portsmouth
128. 09/10. We Fell to Earth, Masters of Reality - The Garage, London
129. 17/10. They Fell From The Sky, Karnivool, Skindred - Southampton Uni
130. 28/10. Beans on Toast, Fake Problems, Frank Turner - Winchester Guildhall
131. 31/10. The Mariana Hollow, Until I Wake, Deviant UK, Project Pitchfork - Islington Academy
132. 12/11. The Big Pink, Muse - O2 London
133. 13/11. Muse - O2 London
134. 28/11. Forever Never, Panic Cell - Hamptons
135. 15/12. Soulsavers, Depeche Mode - O2 London

1. Christiane F.
2. Basquiat
3. Superbad
4. The Linguini Incident
5. The Hunger
6. Equilibrium
7. The Devil Wears Prada
8. The Devil's Rejects
9. The Machinist
10. Run Fatboy Run
11. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
12. The Last Temptation of Christ
13. Marley & Me
14. About a Boy
15. Clerks II
16. Girl, Interrupted
17. Black Books (s)
18. Casanova (s)
19. Thirteen
20. Withnail & I
21. Three Days of Rain (play)
22. Velvet Goldmine
23. Seinfeld (series 1-3)
24. Zoolander
25. There Will Be Blood
26. Last Chance Harvey
27. Office Space
28. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
29. Revolutionary Road
30. Brüno
31. Death Becomes Her
32. Peter Pan
33. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
34. Six Feet Under (series)
35. The Time Traveler's Wife
36. Dorian Gray
37. Sliding Doors
38. Fawlty Towers (series)
39. South Park (series 11)
40. Amélie
41. Josie & the Pussycats
42. Family Guy (series 2)
43. Spaced (series)
44. Everything Is Illuminated
45. Firefly (series)
46. Serenity
47. Monty Python's Flying Circus
48. Brazil
49. Love Actually
50. Hamlet
51. The Day of the Triffids
52. Doctor Who (all of them probably, throughout the year)
53. Shakespeare in Love

1. The Tales of Beedle the Bard by JK Rowling
2. The
3. Gaean
4. Trilogy by John Varley
5. Along Came Dylan by Stephen Foster
6. Living Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris
7. The Glamour by Christopher Priest
8. Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett
9. About a Boy by Nick Hornby
10. Liars and Saints by Maile Maloy
11. Animal Farm by George Orwell
12. Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
13. Hands by Grant Sharkey
14. Things I Want My Daughters to Know by Elizabeth Noble
15. America Unchained by Dave Gorman
16. Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
17. The Ice Harvest by Scott Phillips
18. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button by F.Scott Fitzgerald
19. Hunger Strike by Susie Orbach
20. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne
21. Lucky by Alice Sebold
22. A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
23. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
24. A Friend Like Henry by Nuala Gardner
25. Falling Leaves Return to Their Roots: The True Story of an Unwanted Chinese Daughter by Adeline Yen Mah
26. The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold
27. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
28. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
29. The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
30. Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
31. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
32. Sophie's World by Jostein Gaardner
33. World Famous Strange Tales & Weird Mysteries by Colin & Damon Wilson
34. 2001: A Space Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke
35. Never Trust a Rabbit by Jeremy Dyson
36. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
37. The Eye of the Horse by Jamila Gavin
38. Books vs Cigarettes by George Orwell